Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Things you would never know without the movies
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - none will
ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer
a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - none will
ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer
a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Phone Bill
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Effective Diet
A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
Friday, September 29, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Make Women Happy - Point System Explained
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ....................+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
* in the snow...............+8
* but return with beer..........-5
* and no liners....................-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10
* It's her cat.........................-40
AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2
* Named Tiffany.............-4
* Tiffany is a dancer...........-6
* With implants..............-18
HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner................ 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.........................+5
* The pal is happily married............+4
* Or frighteningly single...............-7
* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie...............+2
* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
* You take her to a movie you hate......+6
* You take her to a movie you like......-2
* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800
THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, "Do I look fat?"
* You hesitate in responding.....-10
* You reply, "Where?"............-35
* Any other response.............-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.... -200
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ....................+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
* in the snow...............+8
* but return with beer..........-5
* and no liners....................-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10
* It's her cat.........................-40
AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2
* Named Tiffany.............-4
* Tiffany is a dancer...........-6
* With implants..............-18
HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner................ 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.........................+5
* The pal is happily married............+4
* Or frighteningly single...............-7
* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie...............+2
* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
* You take her to a movie you hate......+6
* You take her to a movie you like......-2
* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800
THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, "Do I look fat?"
* You hesitate in responding.....-10
* You reply, "Where?"............-35
* Any other response.............-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.... -200
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
FBI Dog
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Ever wonder why the call centre guys are paid so much just for being on the phone. Here's why.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal
abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the
User is still adamant that he is right.
The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
Customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal
abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the
User is still adamant that he is right.
The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
Customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Monday, September 04, 2006
Miscellaneous Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Young
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Young
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Father Norton the Golfer
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan,
his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked
into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around
alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do
his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan,
his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked
into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around
alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do
his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1
million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's
own nest?
(a) robin, (b) sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo
as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink . "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives
in a clock!"
and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1
million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's
own nest?
(a) robin, (b) sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo
as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink . "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives
in a clock!"
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Try this. Its accurate….
1) key-in the first 3 digits of your handphone number (exclude the '9') into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) add 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus last four digits of phone number
6) plus last four digits of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at last
It is your handphone number!!!
I am still trying to figure out how to key in 006 into the calculator :P
1) key-in the first 3 digits of your handphone number (exclude the '9') into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) add 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus last four digits of phone number
6) plus last four digits of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at last
It is your handphone number!!!
I am still trying to figure out how to key in 006 into the calculator :P
Monday, August 14, 2006
Perfect Gentlemen
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Hehehe....
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Hehehe....
Sunday, August 13, 2006
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and was pulling another male buffalo in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and was pulling another male buffalo in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Denise and Den___....
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Smart dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Another of the wacky Q&A (Qian Pian Wen Da Ti)....
Qn: Why is fish cunning ?
Ans: Cos Yu Pian Mi Fen (fish lie to bee hoon)
------------
Qn: What animal falls down the most?
Ans: Fox, cos they Jiao Hua (cunning)
------------
Qn: Xiao ming drinks milk to grow up, Da ming drinks what?
Ans: Da ming drink wine, cos Jiu Yang Da Ming
------------
Qn: Which chinese host does not have centre parting?
Ans: wu zong xian (no centre line)
------------
Qn: Why Zhou Jie Lun Cross the Street Kana fine by police?
Ans: Cos Jay Walking
------------
Qn:Which emperor (huang di) is blind??
Ans: Kang xi (Can't see)
------------
Qn: Why baby don't need to brush teeth?
Ans: Cos Bei Bi Wu Chi (Baby got no teeth)
------------
Qns: Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tahan
roller-coasters?
Ans: Xiao Bai, cos in the end, Xiao Bai Tu
Qn: Why is fish cunning ?
Ans: Cos Yu Pian Mi Fen (fish lie to bee hoon)
------------
Qn: What animal falls down the most?
Ans: Fox, cos they Jiao Hua (cunning)
------------
Qn: Xiao ming drinks milk to grow up, Da ming drinks what?
Ans: Da ming drink wine, cos Jiu Yang Da Ming
------------
Qn: Which chinese host does not have centre parting?
Ans: wu zong xian (no centre line)
------------
Qn: Why Zhou Jie Lun Cross the Street Kana fine by police?
Ans: Cos Jay Walking
------------
Qn:Which emperor (huang di) is blind??
Ans: Kang xi (Can't see)
------------
Qn: Why baby don't need to brush teeth?
Ans: Cos Bei Bi Wu Chi (Baby got no teeth)
------------
Qns: Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tahan
roller-coasters?
Ans: Xiao Bai, cos in the end, Xiao Bai Tu
Thursday, August 03, 2006
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Brown Beans and a head
Doctors have concluded that, if you find the man in 3 seconds, then the
Right half of your brain is better developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right
Half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right
Half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to Eat more
protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the right half of your
Brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look for more of these types
of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.
The man is really there. Keep looking!
(Click on picture to enlarge if you have to)
Doctors have concluded that, if you find the man in 3 seconds, then the
Right half of your brain is better developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right
Half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right
Half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to Eat more
protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the right half of your
Brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look for more of these types
of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.
The man is really there. Keep looking!
(Click on picture to enlarge if you have to)
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Monday, July 31, 2006
Visit to millionaire's house
I recently paid a visit to a millionaire's house and this is what happened....
Question: "What would you like to have..... Fruit juice, Soda,Tea,
Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question: "Ceylontea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylontea"
Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: "Uhmm. I will take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question:" Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar"
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Walau! Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "Gee! I give up, just forget about everything."
I recently paid a visit to a millionaire's house and this is what happened....
Question: "What would you like to have..... Fruit juice, Soda,Tea,
Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question: "Ceylontea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylontea"
Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: "Uhmm. I will take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question:" Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar"
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Walau! Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "Gee! I give up, just forget about everything."
Sunday, July 30, 2006
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Friday, July 28, 2006
Now who is smarter?
Four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for
the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went
up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and
on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the
car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the
test.
The Dean was a just person so he said that you can have a retest
after three days.
After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they
appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special
condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the
test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The
test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Name.(2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
Four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for
the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went
up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and
on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the
car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the
test.
The Dean was a just person so he said that you can have a retest
after three days.
After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they
appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special
condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the
test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The
test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Name.(2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
How business is done!
A businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!
A businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
In a hotel...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the Charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made
out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the Charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made
out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Why Are Men Happier?
(Another one found in one of my old emails)
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $9.90 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
(Another one found in one of my old emails)
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $9.90 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
My Father's The Best
Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"
The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"
The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
Monday, July 24, 2006
Wahahaha!!!
But first....
...Disclaimer: Expecting this to be a blog? Not quite, in fact I am not really into blogging business. Just borrowing the concept of the blogging platform to publish and share some of the many jokes / funny stuffs which were exposed to me via various media.
Do come back often. I promise I try to update this 'blog' as soon as I can...
Enjoy!!!
But first....
...Disclaimer: Expecting this to be a blog? Not quite, in fact I am not really into blogging business. Just borrowing the concept of the blogging platform to publish and share some of the many jokes / funny stuffs which were exposed to me via various media.
Do come back often. I promise I try to update this 'blog' as soon as I can...
Enjoy!!!
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