Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Father Norton the Golfer
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan,
his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked
into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around
alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do
his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan,
his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked
into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around
alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do
his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1
million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's
own nest?
(a) robin, (b) sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo
as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink . "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives
in a clock!"
and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1
million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's
own nest?
(a) robin, (b) sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo
as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink . "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives
in a clock!"
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Try this. Its accurate….
1) key-in the first 3 digits of your handphone number (exclude the '9') into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) add 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus last four digits of phone number
6) plus last four digits of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at last
It is your handphone number!!!
I am still trying to figure out how to key in 006 into the calculator :P
1) key-in the first 3 digits of your handphone number (exclude the '9') into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) add 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus last four digits of phone number
6) plus last four digits of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at last
It is your handphone number!!!
I am still trying to figure out how to key in 006 into the calculator :P
Monday, August 14, 2006
Perfect Gentlemen
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Hehehe....
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Hehehe....
Sunday, August 13, 2006
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and was pulling another male buffalo in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and was pulling another male buffalo in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Denise and Den___....
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Smart dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Another of the wacky Q&A (Qian Pian Wen Da Ti)....
Qn: Why is fish cunning ?
Ans: Cos Yu Pian Mi Fen (fish lie to bee hoon)
------------
Qn: What animal falls down the most?
Ans: Fox, cos they Jiao Hua (cunning)
------------
Qn: Xiao ming drinks milk to grow up, Da ming drinks what?
Ans: Da ming drink wine, cos Jiu Yang Da Ming
------------
Qn: Which chinese host does not have centre parting?
Ans: wu zong xian (no centre line)
------------
Qn: Why Zhou Jie Lun Cross the Street Kana fine by police?
Ans: Cos Jay Walking
------------
Qn:Which emperor (huang di) is blind??
Ans: Kang xi (Can't see)
------------
Qn: Why baby don't need to brush teeth?
Ans: Cos Bei Bi Wu Chi (Baby got no teeth)
------------
Qns: Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tahan
roller-coasters?
Ans: Xiao Bai, cos in the end, Xiao Bai Tu
Qn: Why is fish cunning ?
Ans: Cos Yu Pian Mi Fen (fish lie to bee hoon)
------------
Qn: What animal falls down the most?
Ans: Fox, cos they Jiao Hua (cunning)
------------
Qn: Xiao ming drinks milk to grow up, Da ming drinks what?
Ans: Da ming drink wine, cos Jiu Yang Da Ming
------------
Qn: Which chinese host does not have centre parting?
Ans: wu zong xian (no centre line)
------------
Qn: Why Zhou Jie Lun Cross the Street Kana fine by police?
Ans: Cos Jay Walking
------------
Qn:Which emperor (huang di) is blind??
Ans: Kang xi (Can't see)
------------
Qn: Why baby don't need to brush teeth?
Ans: Cos Bei Bi Wu Chi (Baby got no teeth)
------------
Qns: Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tahan
roller-coasters?
Ans: Xiao Bai, cos in the end, Xiao Bai Tu
Thursday, August 03, 2006
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Brown Beans and a head
Doctors have concluded that, if you find the man in 3 seconds, then the
Right half of your brain is better developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right
Half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right
Half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to Eat more
protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the right half of your
Brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look for more of these types
of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.
The man is really there. Keep looking!
(Click on picture to enlarge if you have to)
Doctors have concluded that, if you find the man in 3 seconds, then the
Right half of your brain is better developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right
Half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right
Half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to Eat more
protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the right half of your
Brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look for more of these types
of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.
The man is really there. Keep looking!
(Click on picture to enlarge if you have to)
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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