A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Funny Sign

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Merry Christmas 2008!!!

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Isnt that a little too close....

I can have as many as I want

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

Duhz....

3 Times

A couple were marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Vesta, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

"She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Vesta lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Vesta asked.

By the look on her husband's face I knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you."

He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember.

Vesta went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Sidney nodded again and admitted that although the confession shocked him, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her.

"So what was the third time?" Vesta lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"

Looks like the firefighters has no choice.

In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ) .


Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

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Most Singapore go UK to Study 'Law'

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Singapore .

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Singaporeans I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's something I never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Singaporean comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

Visitor waits for 5 minutes, Ah Chong from Singapore comes to immigration counter.

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr.

What happens when you leave your computer on while you sleep:

Check out this link:
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Psychiatrist Jokes

Two patients were having an argument in a psychiatric hospital. One says to the other,"I'm the American President." The second asks, "How do you know that you're the American President?" The first replied, "God told me I was." Then a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "No, I didn't!"

---------

"Please tell me more about your family," said the pyschiatrist.
"Well, my sister has been behaving strangely. I think she is mad," said the patient.
"Why do you said that?"
"Well, she thought she was a chicken. She would run around the house clucking and scratching and trying to lay eggs."
"That sounds bizarre,'"admitted the psychiatrist."Did your parents do anything about her conditions?"
"Nothing, doctor. We are a poor family, and besides, we needed the eggs."

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But...how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"