Ah Beng bought a new mobile and he sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book.

The text message was, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

================================================== ===

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.

================================================== ===

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

================================================== ===
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

================================================== ===
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

================================================== ===

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so.

He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

================================================== ===

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.

He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

================================================== ===

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

================================================== ===

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

Jeff Dunham with Achmed the Dead Terrorist.



One of my favourite videos.

Latest 2008 X'mas song
By request...

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

Some Old Jokes.


在一个拥挤的地铁里, 一个站着怀孕妇人想要有人让位给她坐, 于是便向一个坐着的男子说:"你不知道我怀孕了吗?"那男子很紧张地说:"小姐你搞错了, 我还是处男, 孩子不是我的!"

狗屁和傻蛋两兄弟, 一日狗屁被老师留堂罚站, 傻蛋在门外等他一起回家. 老师看到就问:"傻蛋, 放学不回家还等什么?"傻蛋说:"在等你放狗屁呀!"

法官问大明:"你为什么要用椅子打你的岳母?"
大明一面无奈地说:"因为我举不起桌子吗!"

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church, the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

She told him, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on, whenever you have to pee, just tell me that you have to whisper."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father. During the service, the boy said, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear?"

Funny Sign

One day Ah Lian and Ah Huay were walking along the beach, when they came across a lamp half hidden in the sand. "Hey look, a lamp!", exclaimed Ah Lian,"Let's see if there's a genie to grant us wishes". Ah Huay: "yap, ok you rubbed the lamp, i will see if there's a genie"

After some vigorious rubbing by Ah Lian, out come a genie from the lamp and the Genie said: "Thank you for releasing me, and to repay your kindness, i will grant one wish to each of you"

Out of greed, Ah Huay quickly said:" Genie, whatever she wish, i want double of it" Genie: "Ok no problem"

Ah Lian smile and said "I want my figure to be 36, 24, 36.."

And both wishes were granted........^^

笑死人的12星座宝?


白羊座

妈妈经常叮嘱羊羊："穿裙子时不可以荡秋千；不然，会被小男生看到里面的小内裤哦！"

有一天，羊羊高兴地对妈妈说："今天我和小明比赛荡秋千，我赢了！"

妈妈生气地说："不是告诉过你吗？穿裙子时不要荡秋千！"

羊羊骄傲地说："可是我好聪明哦！我把里面的小内裤脱掉了，这样他就看不到我的小内裤了！"

（勇敢直率、敢做敢为的白羊）



金牛座

卖瓜小贩："快来吃西瓜，不甜不要钱！"

饥渴的牛牛："哇！太好了，老板，来个不甜的！"

（持家、想出轨又顾全自己的金牛）



双子座

妈妈叫双双起床："快点起来！公鸡都叫好几遍了！"

双双说："公鸡叫和我有什么关系？我又不是母鸡！"

（自我意识强烈、自行思维的双子）



巨蟹座

公车上，蟹蟹说："今晚我要和妈妈睡！"

妈妈问道："你将来娶了媳妇也和妈妈睡阿？"

蟹蟹不假思索："嗯！"

妈妈又问："那你媳妇怎么办？"

蟹蟹想了半天，说："好办，让她跟爸爸睡！"

妈妈："！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……—"

再看爸爸，已经热泪盈眶啦！

（恋母情结、依恋的巨蟹）



狮子座

狮狮去参加奶奶的寿宴。到了吃寿包的时候，狮狮问："我们为什么要吃这种像屁股的寿包？"

众人听了脸色大变。

接著狮狮拨开寿包，看看里面的豆沙，说："奶奶，快看！里面还有大便！"

众人晕的晕，吐的吐。

（以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的骄傲的狮子）



处女座

处处对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。

爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说："婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。"

处处："那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？"

（好奇心强又追求完美的处女）



天秤座

父亲对天天说："今天不要上学了，昨晚．．．你妈给你生了两个弟弟。你给老师说一下就行了。"

天天却回答："爸爸，我只说生了一个；另一个，我想留著下星期不想上时再说！"

（聪明、权衡利弊的天平）



天蠍座

蠍蠍刚睡著，就叫蚊子叮了一口。

他起来赶蚊子，却怎么也赶不出去。没法，便指著蚊子说："好吧，你不出去我出去！"边说边出了房间，把门使劲关严得意地说："哼！我今晚不进屋，非把你饿死不可！"

（搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蝎）



射手座

射射："爸爸，为什么你有那么多白头发？"

爸爸："因为你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白头发阿。"

射射：……（疑惑中）

射射："那为什么爷爷全部都是白头发？"

爸爸：！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……

（喜欢思考的射手）



摩羯座

一天，羯羯跟妈妈上街；走在路上，突然下起雨来。

妈妈拉过羯羯的小手，说："下雨了，快往前跑阿！"

羯羯慢条斯理地问："那前面就不下雨喽！？"

（明白现实懒得改变的摩羯）



水瓶座

瓶瓶问妈妈："问什么称蒋先生为『先人』？"

妈妈说："因为'先人'是对死去的人的称呼。"

瓶瓶说："那去世的奶奶是不是要叫『鲜奶』？"

（天生的另类、脑筋思考永远和常人不一样的水瓶）



双鱼座

爸爸给鱼鱼讲小时候经常挨饿的事。

听完後，鱼鱼两眼含泪，十分同情地问："哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？"

（富含丰富同情心、不分情况对象的双鱼）
__________________

This is what they call Ma Che...

You are somewhere near my age if you are:

1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silver hawk and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, Ninja turtles and Smurfs too.

2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You will squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug. The teachers said you must brush each side10 times too.

3. You know what's Bin(1) Fen(1) Ba (1) San(1) is all about.

4. You know what SBC stands for.

5. You were there when the first chinese serial, the Awakening was shown on TV.

6.Internet? What the hell is that? So you thought a decade or more ago.

7. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in Secondary school.

8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood and the cushion is red.! The big red bell gives a loud BEEEP! when pressed.There are colourful tickets for TIBS buses. The conductor will check for tickets by using a machine which punches a hole on the ticket.

9. Your favourite actor and actress is Huang Wenyong and Xiangyun. Next is Lee Nanxing and Zoe Tay and the Aiyoyo woman.

10. You've probably read Young Generation magazine. You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.

11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.

13. Gals are fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.

14. You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street.

15. You longed to buy tibits called Kaka(20 cents per pack) and Ding Dang(50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week not forgetting the 15 cents animal crackers and the ring pop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.

16. You watched TV2(also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2.

18. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven are probably the thickest story books you ever thought you have read, even Sweet Valley High and Malory Towers.

19. Civics and Moral Education was "Hao3 Gong1 Min2".

20. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that serve food in plates and let you use metal forks and knives.

21. The most vulgar thing you said was ******* and idiot and THE MOST EXTREME WAS 'super white'...you just couldn't bring yourself to say the hokkien relative.

22. Catching was the IN thing and twist the magic word.

23. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.

24. CDIS was your best friend.

25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixilated characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you maths.

26. Water bottles were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you go.

27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court or play something that uses tennis ball to hit other players known as "HUM TAM BOLA" during recess /after school

28. Hopscotch, five stones, chapteh and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too...

29. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives.

30. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, eternalized in our minds from the textbooks, even Mr Wally, especially a bunny on your English Pets Coursebook.

31. You did stupid exercises like seal crawl and frog jumps.

32. Every children's day and national day you either get pins or pens with 'Happy Children's Day 1993' or dumb files with Happy National Day 1994'.

33. In Primary six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.

34. Chinese teachers were always old, boring and damn fierce looking.

35. Your form teacher taught you maths, science and english.

36. The worksheets were made of brown rough paper of poor quality.

37. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

38. Famous Chinese singers were only Jacky Cheung, Andy Lau, Aaron Kwok and Leon Lai

39. School dismissal time was normally around 1 pm.

40. There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday.

41. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.

42. During class gatherings, parents always tag along in case someone gets lost at Orchard Road.

43. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.

44. Handkerchiefs were a must for both genders

45. Collecting notebook and all kinds of stationery was a popular thing. You collect countries erasers and use them to compete with classmates by trying to push yours on top of theirs.

46. Autograph books were loaded with "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", and small poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch, Friends like you, hard to forget".

47. Class monitors and prefects loved to say "You talk some more, I write your name ah!"

48. There were at least 40 people in one class.

49. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.

50. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable.
Reply Forward

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Commerical break

Earn money while reading emails that you are interested in.

More details at: Send me my email.

Study = Fail

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,

he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.


Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
Steven ___berg???

The astonished Chinese man replied

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".


"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says

"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Probably another of japanese innovation again.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a
strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.
There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the
monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man
had gone through doors of emerald,...

..silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight











. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Another classic
RK House - No Pok

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URL

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name
selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do
this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies
who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give
their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

This seems to be a very powerful car...

Overhead in a Sunday school one morning....

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,"YOU GOT TO BE DEAD!"

Singh Stories

Story 1

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach inAmerica . A lady came and
asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally
annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to
him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more
educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

Story 2

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,
and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant,
socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief' ."

Story 3

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like
hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my
finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished
and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

Story 4

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect
due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even
though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a
year?"

The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

NTU Lecturer...

This is not new but I think this is one of the all time favourites

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know,it's the strangest
thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on
for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the
man's son, Ah Seng and his wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your
father-in-law.It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens
the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Aiyo, Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the
fridge again!"