A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I can have as many as I want
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
3 Times
A couple were marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Vesta, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
"She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Vesta lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Vesta asked.
By the look on her husband's face I knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you."
He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember.
Vesta went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Sidney nodded again and admitted that although the confession shocked him, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her.
"So what was the third time?" Vesta lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"
A couple were marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Vesta, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
"She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Vesta lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Vesta asked.
By the look on her husband's face I knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you."
He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember.
Vesta went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Sidney nodded again and admitted that although the confession shocked him, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her.
"So what was the third time?" Vesta lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ) .
Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ) .
Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
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