Disorder In The Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Isn't English strange?

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Don't be on this flight"

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive

Thoughts to Ponder 1

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Break Glass in case of Fire....

How careers end..

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists' models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

It works both ways....
(I like this)

----------------------

Application Rejection

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203203
Wall St.New York,
NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
ABC

Liver and Cheese

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,

"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Talented Rat or Frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Which one to give???