The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Q&A

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Innovative!!!

Bill Gate's lunch???

Lawyer Manga

Santa Singh just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm"

During the interview, Mr. KY Lee looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for
a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my
wife."

And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. KY Lee's wife
said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames
beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"

So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.

Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for
another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you
that we only hire.......'

Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just
changed my name.

Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name
then?"

On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee)

A few years ago, Japan's Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English Conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton will say," I'm fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

It looked quite simple, but the truth was....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said, "Who Are You?"

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha..hahaha"

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

No satisfaction, no good memories also must pay ah???

Qian Pian Wen Da Ti

1问: 糖是男的或女的?

2问: 鱼为什么狡猾?

3问: 什么灯最恐怖?

4问: 什么动物最会滑倒?

5问: 小明喝牛奶长大, 大明喝什么长大?

6问: 新加坡有很多外地劳工, 那一劳赚最多钱?

7问: 那一位皇帝看不见?

8问: 小白和大白是兄弟. 小白长大了非常像大白. 猜一句成语

9问: 婴儿没有牙齿, 猜一句成语

10问: 当你开不了瓶子, 你会找那一只动物帮忙?

11问: osama, saddam hussein, george bush and tony blair 在打麻将, 谁赢了?

12问: 什么动物最好色？

13问: 小红, 小白, 小蓝, 小黄谁害怕坐 roller-coasters?

14问: 什么动物最怕冷?

15问: 黑人**或印度人**最怕吃什么?

16问: 绿豆自杀变什么?

17问: 什么电影让你等最久?

18问: 什么国家喜欢用自己的信用卡?

19问: 为什么抓不到星星?

20问: 什么动物看不见和听不到?

21问: 刀和枪是什么颜色?

22问: 谁杀了包子






Answer:

1答: 女的, 因为她会生蚂蚁

2答: 鱼骗米粉 [鱼片米粉]

3答: 宾拉灯 [bin laden]

4答: 狐狸, 因为它们脚滑 [狡猾]

5答: 酒养大明 [久仰大名]

6答: 麦当劳

7答: 康熙 (Can't see)

8答: 真像大白 [真相大白]

9答: baby无齿 [卑鄙无耻]

10答: 孔雀开瓶 [孔雀开屏]

11答: hussein = 胡先 (win first)

12答: 树熊, 因为它们喜欢抱着树"干"

13答: 小白吐 [小白兔]

14答: 青蛙, "gua..gua..gua" (cold in hokkien

15答: 巧克力, 怕咬到手指

16答: 红豆

17答: Mission Impossible. theme song "等等等等等等等等等等........."

18泰国, sar-wa-di-ca [刷我的卡]

19答: 因为星星会"闪"

20答: 聋瞎 [龙虾]

21答: 蓝色, 因为刀枪不入 (不入=blue)

答: 豆杀包 [豆沙包]

cat Language

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

" Madam , if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this S...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam? "

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

Jokes from everywhere

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1
tea-spoon
of starch!

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN
A
VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

Pretty Interesting

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
________________________________

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
________________________________

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
________________________________

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
________________________________

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
________________________________

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
________________________________

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
________________________________

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
________________________________

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
________________________________

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
________________________________

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
________________________________

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
________________________________

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
________________________________

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
________________________________

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
________________________________

Man vs Woman Toilet

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny "9".

Principal "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks' "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks "What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Johnny, "Coconut"

Ms Brooks, "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide but Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny, "Bubblegum"

Ms Brooks, "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny, "Shake hands"

Ms Brooks, "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Ms Brooks, "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny, "Tent"

Ms Brooks, "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny, "Wedding Ring"

Ms Brooks, "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Johnny, "Nose"

Ms Brooks, "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Johnny, "Arrow"

Ms Brooks, "What word starts with an "F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny, "Fire-truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

How dumb can it get?

Pappu Jokes

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

************

TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!

************

TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

************

TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...

TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

************

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

************

TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?

PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

************

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?

PAPPU: A teacher

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in
London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
somehow to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to
put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork
legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.Again, she didn't know how
to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

She brought her husband to the store............. so what did she do?









What were you thinking?! Her husband speaks English!